By the grace of God I have come to realize the true root of all the frustrating moments as a new parent; that being selfishness. I mean I knew I was selfish but not this selfish. Having Olive has made me aware of it so much.
Recently, I got to a place where I felt like I was able to truly die to myself and love her well everyday. But then she started teething and needed to nurse through naps. I tried a handful of things to discourage this because nap times are my coveted eat-clean-work time, all which I have to do in less than 45 minutes because our sweet girl is a cat napper. But then came the times she nursed through an entire nap (like right now, as I am writing this blog post on my iPhone.) I began to get frustrated and would do things like unlatch her mid/nap hoping she would stay asleep. And she would for 10 minutes. I would unlatch her and gently lay her down in her crib then tiptoe out of her room passing a sigh of relief the moment I shut her door. Well of course she would wake up and start screaming...I would go in and soother her but she wouldn't fall back asleep. She'd only slept for 20 minutes. I wanted to pull my hair out. This same scenario repeated itself all 5 times she naps in a day every day...I was done.
But then I came across friends of a friend who gave birth to their daughter dead. I just sat wondering why I am so angry still because I have her. My little Olive is an amazing gift. One I should be rejoicing over and not complaining about. I kept asking why does loving my little girl by letting her nurse through naps annoy the skin off me?
God in his graciousness revealed why: because I am selfish, still. Even after letting go of all my desires to go do things like rock climb again or shower alone I still am being so selfish. This little girl needs me to comfort her through this time. All the while I keep thinking about all the editing I am not getting done or how bored I am sitting here for the 5th time today staring at Instagram waiting for the feeds to update or how numb my butt is from sitting for so long. Yet, as inglorious as this is nursing my little Olive to sleep is what is loving her well looks like right now and what is honoring to God.
Today I surrender myself to this beautiful job of caring for my little Olive by letting her nurse through every nap. I probably won't stay happy about it and think "maybe I can unlatch and let her sleep by herself this one" and find myself frustrated again. But, I am thankful that the spirit of God lives in me and brings my weakness to mind, reminding me He has forgiven them already and will give me strength to get through another day of being "the boob." ;).
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